How to Fix a Marriage?
20 Most Common Marriage Problems
According to studies, each family goes through several stages of development, and the transition from one to another, as a rule, is accompanied by a crisis. It is considered that domestic difficulties is the main reason that leads to marriage problems. However, besides everyday life, there are a lot of reasons capable of provoking a crisis in the family, at any stage of its existence. First, problems in family life can begin when one of the spouses experiences their own psychological crisis, for example, a midlife crisis. Reconsidering his/her life, feeling dissatisfaction with it, a person decides to change everything, including his/her family life. Secondly, any of the following events entails changes in the family order. For example, the birth of a child, as well as such milestones as the child’s enrollment in school, the transitional age of the child, and departure from the parental family. In addition, the cause of the crisis for the spouses are difficulties at work, problems in relations with relatives, a change in the material situation, the family’s relocation to another city or country. And, of course, more serious stress factors like illness, death, war, loss of work, the birth of children with disabilities.
The most significant and dangerous symptoms in family are:
- reducing the desire of spouses to have intimacy; - spouses no longer seek to like each other;
- all issues related to the upbringing of children provoke quarrels and mutual reproaches;
- spouses do not have the same opinion about the most significant issues ( like relationships with family and friends, future plans, etc.;
- almost all actions and words of the partner cause irritation;
- husband and wife do not understand the feelings of each other;
- one of the spouses believes that he/she has to always give in to the wishes and opinions of the other;
- the lack of desire to share personal problems and joys with a partner.
The effect of such symptoms strongly affects the family. The basis of family conflict is an objective divergence of goals and interests of the spouses, perceived as a contradiction in the relationship. Crises accompany spouses throughout the whole life. However, most often this occurs when the family experiences difficult life situations that may be conducive to breaking off.
The stages of marriage crisis
It is possible to distinguish the following crisis periods in marriage, which may be experienced by spouses:
- According to statistics, about half of all marriages break up after the first year of marriage. Newly married spouses are not able to pass test of "domestic life". Differences may relate to the distribution of responsibilities, unwillingness of partners to change their habits. Each partner recognizes his/her companion from completely new sides: they may face more serious problems due to the difference in family and economic structures of their former families, due to the difference in culture and education, due to the difference in goals they strive for in life. During this period, the family needs support and care from parents and friends.
- Further, marriage problems occur within 3-7 years of marriage. This is the most difficult period, which accounts for the largest number of disruptions of families. All these may be caused by such factors as: a decrease in the psychological status of the partner; the lack of romantic moods, active non-acceptance of the partner’s personality; the increase in the number of situations in which different views of the spouses appear, frequent manifestations of negative emotions of spouses. The most often a woman goes on a long maternity leave, during which a man is usually busy making money and moving up the career ladder. The woman is getting closer to the house, while the man unknowingly moves away from her. Each wife waits for help and psychological support from the head of the family but receives a disgruntled grunt and indifference to the child. During this period, the husband feels unloved, unnecessary, undeservedly deprived of attention.
- The next stage of the crisis of marriage occurs during 12-16 years of living together. This stage of struggling marriage is the hardest to explain. Some spouses admit that they had neither the strength nor the desire to give all the best for their partner or family in general. Moreover, during this period of living together most people begin to feel a personal middle age crisis, during which they begin to look at life values differently. One of the inevitable human problems is the fact that a man who has reached middle age and achieved some goals becomes more attractive to young women, while his wife, who is more dependent on her appearance, feels less attractive to men.
- The third crisis of marriage occurs after 20-25 years of marriage. The basis of this crisis has psychological reasons: the approach of the older age, menopause, the appearance of somatic complaints; feeling lonely when adult children leaving home; etc.
Thus, crisis situation in marriage arise in a certain pattern and have deep social and psychological reasons. So all of them should be taken into account and adjusted, and couple has to build the behavior in the family in accordance with them.
Problems and solutions
Someone works more
Often, the wife goes to work, and when she returns home, she takes care of the children, cooks food, and so on. While her beloved husband at this time is lying on the couch and watching football or going to relax with friends. Sadly, such stereotypes about the division of labor still exist in many families. If earlier the weaker sex quietly submitted to their fate, then in a modern world such a life can cause discontent.
Solution: It is advisable to discuss all issues on the division of household duties before marriage. An excellent solution would be to use scientific and technological progress items: bread makers, multicookers, dishwashers and washing machines, dryers, and etc.
Statistics show that one of the most frequent causes of divorcement is conflicts on financial grounds. After the wedding, all the money becomes common, which often causes tension on one side. For example, when one spouse earns much more than the other. To avoid insults, young people avoid all kinds of discussions, which usually only worsens the situation.
Solution: Psychologists recommend discussing financial issues without constraint. Any family should work together to identify directions for spending money. What is more important: repair or travel abroad? It is time to save or you can buy something not very useful, but very pleasant? Solving these issues will create a good basis for a multi-year family budget.
The lack of desire to refuse from past habits
Everyone knows that all people have different habits, and especially harmful ones are very annoying. However, unfortunately, experience shows that not everyone can give up their habits for the sake of their second half.
Solution. To correct the problem, you should listen to your partner, go for a compromise and try to change for the better.
Most married couples gain significant weight. Scientists conducted a large-scale study and concluded that the couple in the first year of family life, gain an average of 1.5-2 kg. In general, married people weigh 6 kg more than single people. Often, weight gain is associated with the state of psychological comfort: the partners are confident in each other, and therefore they allow themselves to relax a little.
Solution: Losing weight together is easier than it seems, because there will always be a person who shares your desire to have a healthy lifestyle. However, nutritionists warn: men lose weight faster, and this can lead to some frustration from the women side. A great way to get fit - cycling, climbing and even trivial walks before bedtime.
Disputes from scratch
Crisis situations can occur in any family. Most often, the dissatisfaction of partners with each other leads to huge problems in family. But if your loved one used to be sweet, kind, and attentive, how could he turn out to be conflicted and ridiculous for no reason, the most likely, there is a good reason for such behavior.
Solution: To repair a marriage do not try to change your soul mate. You love this particular person, so you need to respect both his/her merits and his/her shortcomings. Learn to listen carefully to the opinion of another person. Usually, the closest people can hurt us the most, because they know all of our weaknesses. Therefore, to preserve marriage and love, you need to show respect and patience to the desires and feelings of your soul mate.
Someone from spouses can often consult with parents about their family life, marriage issues while their other half may be not satisfied with it.
Solution: The advice of the older generation is excellent for sure. However, you need to respect your own partner, because you chose him/her by yourself.
Spouses can’ t spend 24 all days of the week together
Many people mistakenly think that young spouses should spend all their free time together. Allegedly, this helps to strengthen their relationship and the emergence of common hobbies. However, after several years of constant joint pastime, people usually experience irritation and want to rest from each other.
Solution: Each spouse must have their own personal space. There is nothing wrong with having a hobby that your spouse doesn’t like. Even if you spend the weekend separately then will be extremely happy to meet.
The birth of the children
Often, a short time after the wedding, the young family wants to have a baby. If this decision is not balanced and not thought out, it can lead to serious financial problems. There will no longer be a place for vacation, joint entertainment and resort.
Solution: The way out of this situation is to start raising money to secure the baby long before his birth. It is better to discuss in advance all the unimportant and unnecessary expenses that you can get rid of. It is possible not to spend much money on expensive toys.
No longer interesting together
Immediately after marriage comes the second candy-bouquet period, romance and boundless love. However, the usual family routine quickly erases the honeymoon. Psychologists explain this by excessive expectations about marriage: that everything will become better and more interesting. In addition, when everything returns to normal, disappointment is felt.
Solution: You need to plan an interesting leisure time in advance and arrange each other romantic dates. There is nothing bad in sensible planning. After all, when you have household chores, work and possibly children, it is difficult to be as spontaneous as before.
Both spend money differently
According to statistics, one of the first lines in the list of causes of divorce is occupied by conflicts over money. After the wedding, personal funds suddenly become common, and for most of people it is a real stress, especially if one spouse earns much more. Unfortunately, due to the imaginary generosity, couples tend to avoid talking about finances.
Solution: Financial experts recommend discussing money issues without embarrassment. It is necessary to prioritize: will your family save money or prefer to invest it? Next year you plan to travel or make repairs? Answers to these and other questions will help you determine your family’s financial strategy for the years ahead.
Forget about important dates
Forgetful partner can bring a lot of bitter feelings: sometimes it is perceived as a personal insult. How can a loved one forget about the date of marriage, the birthday of beloved granny or the exact time of the first kiss? It turns out that even almost perfect people sometimes forget about important things: perhaps they work a lot.
Solution: Remind about important dates and events in your family life. Thus, you will avoid disappointment, and you partner will not forget them.
The first year of marriage is not always a continuation of the magical honeymoon. Contrary to expectations, the bouquet of flowers, romantic evenings and heart-to-heart talk sooner or later run out, while a boring life remains.
Solution: Priorities for married people are different from the priorities of those who are just in love. Psychologists say that there is nothing unusual in this: family life is connected with the observance of a certain schedule and distribution of duties. Plan dates, romantic meetings, going to the cinema and to the theater, and then that spark will not disappear from your family life.
After the wedding, the spouses receive not only new relatives, but also new friends. Often the friends of the husband or wife are unwanted guests in the house. It seems to the newlyweds that their friends occupy too much space in their family life and are far from the best influence on their partner.
Solution: Let the other half have a best friend who is not you. This idea may be difficult to accept, but it is really important for him/her to communicate with other people. : For marriage help you don’t have to criticize the unpleasant friend of you – just criticize actions. Try to make friends with your buddies or at least change your attitude towards them: remember, the first impression is often wrong. And finally, let the partner have friends "on the side", because you still can not control all aspects of his life.
Different sleep levels
In the 70s of the twentieth century, scientists properly understood circadian rhythms and found that there are so-called larks, who wake up early in the morning and are ready for labor feats, and there are owls that are most active in the evenings.
Solution: In fact, different biological rhythms do not interfere with a happy marriage, but only among those who can find a compromise. For example, while the spouse is sleeping, you can perform a lot of tasks that will benefit the family.
Both argue over trifles
Psychologists say that crises happen in every marriage - moments when partner discontent reaches its peak. However, crises have their own charm: this is an opportunity to renew relations and transfer them to a new level.
Solution: Do not try to change the partner: such attempts only lead to a surge of indignation. Instead, one must learn to listen to his/her position. Unfortunately, close people can really hurt, because they know all the vulnerabilities of each other. That is why patience and respect of partner are very important things that will turn back your struggling marriage.
Someone of spouses starts staring at others
Therefore, the partner began to show an unequivocal interest in someone other than you. However, this is not a reason for big scandal. Some men do not see anything wrong in their evaluative views.
Solution: Do not be silent - tell your partner about your dissatisfaction. Perhaps he/she really did not think about anything bad, and the whole thing in your self-doubt.
Lack of intimacy
Partners may have less sex over time for various reasons. For example, due to the birth of children and new responsibilities, due to severe stress, health problems, sleep, etc.
Solution: Start a conversation with a partner about intimate life is difficult, but it can make a miracle. Affectionate touches and kisses outside the bedroom, as well as going to bed at the same time, can help bring back closeness.
Loss of tolerance
In the first years of marriage, partners are more tolerant to each other, they forgive small folly or failures and do not remind about it several times. However, over the years, partners become more intolerable. As a result, many things over which, after the wedding, both just laughed, through the years turn into real reasons for quarrels.
Solution: When tolerance towards each other gradually goes away, it is important to remember that you are still players of the same team. Pointing only to the weaknesses of the partner will not improve the overall situation. So each one has to find reasons of trouble marriages and start doing the best to make it right.
Forgetting small common holidays
Wedding anniversary, a weekend without children - after the wedding it seems that the couple is ready to arrange a holiday almost every week, and what is the situation in 10 years? Small holidays no longer make sense, but this is a mistake, because they have a special meaning for maintaining relationships.
Solution: If countless holidays have lost value over time, they should even be limited so that partners can appreciate them, but they should not be forgotten. Couples become parents, their workload and responsibilities grow, so they sometimes forget how it is to take a break. It is important to find general entertainment in marriage, which allows you to have fun and carefree time.
Change of priorities
After the wedding, people often change priorities and partners start to have doubts about whether the choice was right, and then they start to blame each other for having to make sacrifices in the name of marriage.
Solution: If you want to be aware how to fix a broken marriage, you need to find because compromises need to be found anyway. Although in fact it is never too late to engage yourself in self-development. At the same time the support of the second person is also important. In order to preserve relationships and transfer them to a new level, each partner needs to fulfill not only common but also his own dreams.